ponderponderponder.

What's going on in my head right now? I can't even answer that question myself. A lot of things are going on. For a while, life turned off auto-pilot and I was flying high. But now, it set itself on auto-pilot again and I'm back at cruising altitude. I really miss those weeks. I was on cloud 9, a state where I'm rarely at. But one mistake ruins it all. Life just isn't fair sometimes, huh? Yeah, it sucks.

Come to think of it, I wasn't alone on that cloud. I was flying high with a very close friend of mine and we were both just so happy. But for some reason, everything decided to collapse and things just went haywire. Now we're both back where we started. Seriously. I can't describe how much it sucks.

Whatever. The past is the past. Can't change that. The present and future however, is still ours. Right now life was like how it was before, with a couple of things missing. I try not to let things effect me too much, because my neutral kind of lifestyle fits me well. Sure, shit might happen and I might be totally dead for a few days but eventually my chin'll be back up, back to the old France.

Wow, what the hell am I writing about? I don't even know, haha. I guess it was just some things to get off my chest. I hate bottling things up, but it's something I can't avoid doing. I always seem to keep things to myself. It's weird though, because I know I'm really open too. I don't know how that works out.

Haha, this post was probably boring as hell, but whatever, I'll blog about something more.. interesting[?] later on this week. But for now, this is it.

the one thing i hate about life.

Your ties with people never last as long as you want them to. I don't even know how I realized this now, but I do remember back in middle school when I thought about it. I was afraid and excited of going to high school. Excited because the thought that everything you've seen on TV and things about how awesome it is was probably gonna come true. But at the same time, I was afraid because at one point or another, you'd have to leave the people you came to know and love. I guess leaving elementary school and leaving middle school prepare you for the moment when you leave high school, but it's not the same. You grow up so fast, you become more aware of things. You develop your own thoughts and opinions, and you begin to discover what emotions are.

Life after high school is basically being reborn. Taking everything you've learned and applying it to a world where it's only you. Everyone else has their paths, you have yours. You have to make friends as if you were in elementary school again, but now your limits broaden to the sky. You're going to be living like that for the rest of your life, so why not make the most of it? I kind of hate the idea of growing up too. It sucks knowing your life isn't gonna be as easy as it was back when you were five years old. Hah, but everyone has to go through it at some point. We just all have to deal with it in our own way.

Normally, I hate thinking about the future. Because it scares me to no end. I always try to live in the present, making the most of what I have. To enjoy life with the bare minimum. But the thought of the future can't help but enter my thoughts. I mean, we only go through childhood once. We only go through our teens once. We only go through adulthood once. And then we die. But the beginning of your life lasts the shortest. After age 20, you're already done with 2/3 of your life. Now it's time to live a stage that lasts about 8 times as long. It's pretty scary if you ask me.

Special thanks to Christina and Michele.

the future, doesn't it scare you?

Best friends, son.

The future should be something that scares all of us. The only reason being that we have no knowledge of it. Sure we can plan things ahead, but what are the chances of your plans actually happening? You don't know. All you can do is hope nothing stands in your way. Sometimes, when the present feels so good, you tend to plan too much ahead. So ahead you can't really see it anymore. You become blind to the many possibilities that can get in your way. The only thing in your mind is that plan coming true. And when that plan fails, you really have no backup.

Another reason to be afraid is because you expect things to be some way forever, but then you open your eyes to the many possibilities that could interfere. That makes you afraid. One example I can think of is why some people are scared of having a best friend. COUGHCOUGH. It's just my thought, but I think the reason why some people don't want/can't have best friends is because they're afraid of the future. A best friend is someone you're really close to, someone you can entrust with everything that has to do with you. The thought of that relationship not lasting forever should be scary. Because you think of the thought that they might not be there forever, that prevents you from having a best friend. I think what you're just longing for is a best friend that lasts forever.

Another thing, about the word "forever," what does it really mean? Theres no such thing as forever. It's a word to describe as long as you can. Forever is an undefined time. How can something be forever if it's not aware? Even after you're dead, is it still forever? Ehh, I don't know. What happens after death? Meh.

Right now, it's really cold. I don't even want a jacket or extra thick pajamas. All I want is just someone in my arms.

it feels great.

I've been thinking a lot lately, due to the weather. Clouds frequent more and they're something I like watching. They're interesting, to me they look like peaceful wanderers that come in many shapes. I really want to watch some, but the problem is there aren't really any GOOD places to cloud watch. I've been craving to just lie down on a grassy hill and just look up. Using my imagination to create stories of whats above me or to just make those things we call clouds into funny little shapes or animals. Whatever it is, I'm down for it. But damn, Alameda really doesn't have that many hills where you can cloud watch. It's a shame isn't it? It's beauty left unnoticed.

Another thing I've been wanting to do is stargaze. I don't know why, but yeah. Those tiny little specks you see are just a gigantic connect the dot game. It also amazes me how that when we look up, you're actually looking into the past. I don't really get why but hey, it's something that's pretty damn cool. Though once again, I encounter the same problems. I'd really prefer an elevated space where I can just lie down and watch, like a roof or something. Also noting the fact that my parents probably wouldn't let me out that late to do it either. I wish there would be a day where everyone could just turn their lights off so we can see each star more clearly. But haha, these are goals I'll achieve someday.

The beach. I particularly don't like beaches, or maybe that's just Alameda beach. Holy crap it stinks down there dude. ANYWAY, back to the point. During the day, it's a place to cool off and just sunbathe. But when it reaches say.. 2am, it's a totally different thing. The night sky makes the water look like a really warm blanket that you just want to be under; the sounds of the waves crashing really help set the scene too. Just walking on the beach at that time makes you go into a genuine relaxed mood. Take my word for it. This is something I experienced in the summer, luckily. And I'm glad I had the chance to.

restatement of purpose.

Looking back at my first ever post, which was my statement of purpose, I can see how I'm doing in terms of the goals I set myself. I can happily say that most of my goals are still in the process of being complete. I've been writing more and more, as well as writing about the topic I wish to write about. I'd like to keep this goal intact because looking back on these blog posts would probably impact the way I think about myself more than I thought.

At this moment, I find that trying to read more is a hopeless goal. I feel that I have absolutely no time to read any book, unless mandatory. I don't think that it's because I can't find a good book to read, but rather the time. Time management is something I value, so trying to fit in time to read is quite hard.

One of my more successful goals, to get out more and hang out with friends, is going better than I thought. No longer do I sit on a chair directly after school for the remainder of the day letting my brain rot. I definitely have better things to do. The other goal that accompanied, to take bike trips more often, is also going well. Just recently, my brosef Sandy Duong said that our bikes were pretty much our lives. I agreed with him completely because we always get to our destination by bike. Without our bikes, we'd be lazy unsocial kids.

But in the future, I know I'll definitely try and set myself some new goals. I really need a way to push myself to be better academically, physically, and mentally. I hope I can set these goals for myself soon.

I don't know if I can add any more goals right now, since I like completing things I set my mind to first. But who knows, there might be a re-restatement of purpose.