ENDOFTHEYEAR.

Once again I'd like to cover a few topics in a blog post, and not just one. Since this is also the last blog assignment for the year, it seems appropriate to say the least.

First and foremost, I'd like to talk about the experience of blogging. I feel like I'm going to end up saying what I've already said in my other posts when I talked about this, but oh well. Blogging was a great opportunity for me to let out a few /personal/ things that I had going in my head. I've noticed that most of my blog posts were around that area. I can safely say that my statement and restatement of purpose[s] have been fulfilled the way I wanted them to be. My posts centered around what I had in mind, and blogging acted like something I could use to vent them out. And not just me, but other people seemed to have learned and realized a lot of things by blogging too. It's really benefited all of us one way or another. Another thing I like[d] about blogging is that it's really.. unusual and unexpected. I had no idea this Sutherland guy that teaches English was going to use modern technology to assign work for his students when I first came in. Utilizing what most of us are available to to assign work is a brilliant idea and I hope other teachers could follow suit in the future. Going "paper-less" is definitely a good step in an environmental heavy time.

This other half isn't going to be that /enlightening/ but nevertheless this is why I blog. I find it really hard to word but I'll do the best I can.

Crushes are the most pointless things you can ever have in high school. Especially when you don't do anything about it. I've heard of people having crushes for YEARS. I'm surprised at that fact but then at the same time I'm not. Honestly, I've been in that situation before and it's the biggest time waster life will ever give you. The way it works is you find someone you like, start crushing on them, and then become too scared to actually do anything to approach. To show them how you feel and fearing what they're going to say when you tell them the truth. So what ends up happening is you become a locked up bottle thats more than likely never going to open. In my personal situation right now, I'm giving up because it's been a huge waste of time.. and it's taken me this long to realize the better things I could've accomplished if I never, or stopped crushing on the person earlier. Lesson learned.

I would really like to know if people who aren't afraid of rejection are more successful overall. I mean, if you aren't afraid of rejection, that means you aren't that self conscious, right? Having a "I don't give a fuck about what they think" attitude is bound to help, isn't it? I don't know..

trail mix.

Due to lack of any good ideas or sparks of what I could write about lately, there's always the option for me to blog about.. plain and simple life.

Well, okay maybe not so plain and simple. Life is just a roller coaster all the way through, till the day you die. There's going to be huge drops where you experience a rush of thrill all at once, or for an ongoing time too. And then theres times where you feel like all you're doing is slowly inching up the track, waiting impatiently for that huge drop.

Lately for me it's always been a bit of everything. I'll have a really fun day but then the next few days would be completely boring and shit. I'm not saying that I'm complaining or anything, it is after all better than nothing, period. I sort of feel comfortable saying that my friends and I.. have run out of things to do. It's mostly the same things every time and new ideas don't come very often. With summer approaching, I would really like to change that.

This week has been.. meh. On Monday I was dead tired because Ricky let me borrow his laptop for the night on Sunday and I stayed up all night doing really pointless things. But hey! It wasn't completely a waste of time. I also got some homework done too, haha. I really wish I had a laptop; it'd help me procrastinate on assignments I don't want to do. But if I get that, then I would lose a ton of sleep and I really can't afford to lose anymore the way I am now, haha. Tuesday was one of those days where I was actually too tired to do anything. The lack of sleep from Monday caught up to me and I just felt DEAD the whole entire day. Went home straight after school to get some rest.

Wednesday was quite the turning point. Nothing EVER happens at school so that's one thing I will never write about. After school however, a few friends and I played some basketball Edison school. At first it was pretty normal, but then we ended up playing some adults that were there too. It was a really intense and fun game, and we even ended up winning! That was a great feeling, haha. To know you beat a team of adults that are about two times bigger than you is satisfying. I don't even know how we won, but now we're calling ourselves the dream team. Haha, hilarious.

Thursday was a day where we really didn't do much. For some reason that I'm unaware of a bunch of people went missing and only Andrew and I were left. We settled for going to my house and playing some games. It's fun with him because he's pretty much the only competition I have in a majority of games. From that day emerged an inside joke as well. Jab jab jab.

FRIDAY! I always look forward to this day of the week, who doesn't? I've noticed that complicated plans make me feel like a super sophisticated businessman. Directing and following them, and then seeing it all come together feels good too. Haha. 'Frisbee' isn't really frisbee anymore though. We haven't played Ultimate in a hellllla long time. All we do now is basketball and socialize. And more recently, wrestling. I don't wanna get into too much detail with that, haha.

ramblings.

It’s almost the end of the school year. As it gets closer and closer everything gets just a wee bit faster and harder. Teachers try to cram in material that they somehow “forgot” to teach and all the students want is for everything to be over and relax the days away. Lots of tests come up along with final exams and AP tests as well. The last stretch of school is hard for everyone, but in the end it’s always rewarding.

I think of the school year as being divided into at least three periods of time. In the beginning, everyone has to get accustomed to being in school again because of the fun times over the summer. They almost always forget everything they learned, too. I know I do for sure. Past the beginning and into the middle, it’s a long stage of chill assignments. The assignments are nothing too hard, nothing too easy. It’s just right. This is usually the second and third quarters. The end, which in this case is now, is a rapid rush of information. Big end of the year projects to “apply what you learned” comes as often as the sun.

Moving on from a general point of view on things, I’d like to share my own personal experience with this school year. Everything I said up there applies to me too, of course. In the beginning I forgot all the material I learned in freshman year. The reviews of last year’s stuff and the like that teachers gave me was almost perfect to get back in the rhythm. As it hit second and third quarters it just felt a bit… numb. It was when Sutherland introduced the concept of life being on autopilot. That was what it felt like. School days were monotonous and lackluster. It’s the part I hate the most.

Sometimes I still haven’t accepted the fact that MY freshman year has already passed. I find it hard to believe that I am currently a sophomore at times. And already, I’m turning into a junior in high school. Life goes by so fast it’s unbelievable. I really want to cherish these years and make them something I would remember at least twenty years later.

I don’t know if it’s a bad thing that I have no idea what my dreams or passions are after high school. It feels like I have a large variety of careers I could pursue, but not knowing what I like or am passionate about makes it a lot harder. To connect with my earlier blog post, I know that I have to know what I like to do in order for me to get a career that I would actually enjoy. The path to at the least a satisfactory future is pretty simple, but getting started is what I’m having trouble with. I hope to have everything figured out by at least the end of junior year and I could spend my senior year preparing for whatever I’ve decided.

school, colleges, and the future

I wrote this on my Tumblr a while ago. So I'm just using it now.

With the schedule thing happening last week, it felt like a really uncomfortable rush of decisions. For that week, people are planning for their future and the main, which also seems to be the ONLY topic going on in conversations is what classes your friends are going to take. Everyone’s throwing around suggestions to each other like ‘TAKE THIS, TAKE THAT! NO DON’T TAKE THAT I HEARD IT WAS HELLA HARD.” And me? Well. I’m just in the background, confused and dazed because I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do either. To be honest, it kinda sucks being like that. All of the people around me seem to at least have an idea of what they want/are going to take next year, and it seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t really know. Fuck man. The deadline for the form is a bit unclear to me too; some people say it was this Monday and I’ve heard that it’s this Friday. I’m gonna choose to believe that it’s due Friday because I still haven’t done counseling. But I still have a recurring thought in my head that, maybe I shouldn’t turn it in. Maybe I should just let the school pick my classes for me. It’s basically what I did last year, and I’m pretty okay with it. Hell, I still don’t even know.

Concerning all that shit, a conversation on Thursday with Sutherland was enlightening. He said some things that.. well, seem to have made my thought process clearer about what I’m going to do in the future. One of the things he said was that colleges were beginning to devalue AP classes. This really makes sense to me because well, imagine this. A shitload of people take AP classes as is, right? But will that really stand out to a college? If all a college sees in applications is ‘I took __ AP classes” over and over again, it’s basically become a common thing. The same concept as money, perhaps. The more you have of it, the less valuable it gets. All of the people taking so many APs confuse me. AP Physics, AP Calc, AP Stats, APUSH, APES, and so on. I’m pretty sure they aren’t interested in all of those subjects at once. The purpose of an AP is to expand your knowledge. Say you really like math, it makes sense if you plan on taking AP Calculus or AP Stats. But it doesn’t make a bit of sense if you’re taking APUSH too. APs seem to have evolved into something that’s like ‘HEY LOOK AT ME I’M REALLY SMART.’ or just something that’ll ‘make you look good’ in college applications. But among other things, Sutherland also helped me in the subject of picking a college.

People seem to have the idea that attending a good college equals having a good job. Well, what’s the definition of a good college? Is it some college with super high standards or an Ivy league? Does popular mean good? Personally, I don’t think so. My definition of a good college is a college where it best suits your interest. Think about it. Why take a subject if you aren’t even interested in it? Just because it looks good, right? I don’t know, but I guess it could be a legit reason. It just seems like you’re pushing yourself into studying a subject that you don’t even like in the first place. Which in case, is a total waste of time. I guess what I’m trying to say is, before you pick a college, you should at least have an idea of what your interests are and pick a college that best suits that interest. For example, if you’re interested in art.. well, you’d obviously go to an art school. In medicine, a medical school. In law, then law school. If you know what you like, it’s a lot easier figuring out what your profession could be. It’s like, why bother going to a “good” college that’s really strong in mathematics when your main interest is science? I don’t know, I know my main idea, but I find it hard to explain.

power of failure.

I hate spacing out when I have blog posts due. I just end up being crunched up to the deadline or a little bit after when I realize what I need to do. Anyways, beside the ramblings of being late, I've chosen to talk about failure.

We often see failure as a bad thing. In general, if you fail at something.. you shouldn't exactly be proud, right? It means you have to improve and do something different next time to better yourself at whatever you failed at. So, when do you fail? Often times it's because you didn't try hard enough, or in physical cases, you're incapable and unskilled. But again, what does this tell you? Improvement is necessary.

When you fail, it's not just a horrible 'Aw shit.' kind of thing. It's also a learning experience as well. Every time you fail, you can look back, trace your steps, and see where you went wrong. By doing this, you know what you need to change or work on. This is basically the concept of learning from your mistakes. And we all know that already, don't we?

I'll give an example with an anecdote. Recently, I've been doing pretty bad in Math. Failing a few tests, slacking on homework, etc. I found out my grade and it was a shock. I knew I was failing, but by that much? Yeah. It hit me. I needed to reform my study habits in that class. I already knew what I was doing wrong; that was sleeping, not paying attention, and honestly, copying homework. I never learned the material, so when it came down to tests, I would just blank out and have an unwritten piece of paper by the end of the period. Upon realizing this, I was determined to make an extra effort taking notes, do my homework myself, and all the other things I was doing wrong. Hopefully things get better by the end of the quarter.

In a nutshell, failure is a learning experience. Fail and know what you did wrong, and better yourself for next time.

generosity.

This idea popped up from reading Alvin’s final. I came across a part that somehow made my head bounce around to this.

Generosity is pretty spiffy. It definitely comes in handy sometimes when you’re with friends. The best example is when you’re low on cash and you’re hungry. Your friends can usually spot you so you can get some food, right? That’s usually the case with me and my friends. We all have each other when it comes down to money.

A while ago, I went to go eat with some friends but I didn’t have enough money, so I didn’t order anything. My friend next to me offers to buy me some food, and I wouldn’t have to pay him back as much. I kindly refused, even though I was practically starving. Reason being because I feel guilty when I benefit from other people’s kindness too much. I already owed him some money because he paid my bowling fee once, and he even pretended that didn’t happen because he didn’t want me to pay him back. I admire generosity like that. So thank you, Shuan.

I owe another friend money, because he’s spotted me so many times. One day I’ll just give him my week’s allowance. I can’t even remember how many times he spotted me either. I remember he gave me ten dollars once because I was going to Lovefest. And another time when he just gave me five dollars to get some lunch. I admire that too, so thanks Rayman.

But hey, some people owe me money too. ALVIN. haha. But it’s alright. You don’t have to pay me back. In the long run, we all end up paying each other back. So from now on, whenever I give money to someone or just buy some food for them, they don’t have to pay me back. Just don’t take advantage of that. Please. Haha.

glorification.

Normally, glorification is good, right? It's making something seem better than what it really is. In other words, it could be put as 'bragging.' But at the same time, it could be bad. Like when you glorify an item, it's like you're telling little white lies. "Oh hey, this thing does this and that and it could do this too!" Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. That's when things turn bad. Glorification is just a bunch of white lies to help you gain something. Whether it be money, respect, or anything else, it's all for the same purpose.

Something different though, is when you glorify a person. It probably has the same concept, but it's just so much worse. For one thing, the person that's glorified could either be pompous and accept the glory, or maybe even add on to it. Or they could feel pressured and scared. I can mostly relate to the latter.

From personal experience, I can pretty much say I hate being glorified. I'll admit a few things. I learn things pretty fast, and in turn that makes me get better at something going at a pretty good speed. And I'm usually /the best/ in my circle of friends when it comes to something like video games. It's kind of irritating though. I'm always expected to be super pro and beat everyone. Like I said before, it kind of makes me feel pressured and/or scared to lose. I don't know, really. But I just hate being glorified.

But hey, everyone reacts different to it. That's just how I do. Maybe you yourself love being glorified, and always do well. While some of us stick with our average talents and just cruise on by.

PS: Man. Finals are gonna suck. The only good thing is that we get out early. We do, don't we?

ponderponderponder.

What's going on in my head right now? I can't even answer that question myself. A lot of things are going on. For a while, life turned off auto-pilot and I was flying high. But now, it set itself on auto-pilot again and I'm back at cruising altitude. I really miss those weeks. I was on cloud 9, a state where I'm rarely at. But one mistake ruins it all. Life just isn't fair sometimes, huh? Yeah, it sucks.

Come to think of it, I wasn't alone on that cloud. I was flying high with a very close friend of mine and we were both just so happy. But for some reason, everything decided to collapse and things just went haywire. Now we're both back where we started. Seriously. I can't describe how much it sucks.

Whatever. The past is the past. Can't change that. The present and future however, is still ours. Right now life was like how it was before, with a couple of things missing. I try not to let things effect me too much, because my neutral kind of lifestyle fits me well. Sure, shit might happen and I might be totally dead for a few days but eventually my chin'll be back up, back to the old France.

Wow, what the hell am I writing about? I don't even know, haha. I guess it was just some things to get off my chest. I hate bottling things up, but it's something I can't avoid doing. I always seem to keep things to myself. It's weird though, because I know I'm really open too. I don't know how that works out.

Haha, this post was probably boring as hell, but whatever, I'll blog about something more.. interesting[?] later on this week. But for now, this is it.

the one thing i hate about life.

Your ties with people never last as long as you want them to. I don't even know how I realized this now, but I do remember back in middle school when I thought about it. I was afraid and excited of going to high school. Excited because the thought that everything you've seen on TV and things about how awesome it is was probably gonna come true. But at the same time, I was afraid because at one point or another, you'd have to leave the people you came to know and love. I guess leaving elementary school and leaving middle school prepare you for the moment when you leave high school, but it's not the same. You grow up so fast, you become more aware of things. You develop your own thoughts and opinions, and you begin to discover what emotions are.

Life after high school is basically being reborn. Taking everything you've learned and applying it to a world where it's only you. Everyone else has their paths, you have yours. You have to make friends as if you were in elementary school again, but now your limits broaden to the sky. You're going to be living like that for the rest of your life, so why not make the most of it? I kind of hate the idea of growing up too. It sucks knowing your life isn't gonna be as easy as it was back when you were five years old. Hah, but everyone has to go through it at some point. We just all have to deal with it in our own way.

Normally, I hate thinking about the future. Because it scares me to no end. I always try to live in the present, making the most of what I have. To enjoy life with the bare minimum. But the thought of the future can't help but enter my thoughts. I mean, we only go through childhood once. We only go through our teens once. We only go through adulthood once. And then we die. But the beginning of your life lasts the shortest. After age 20, you're already done with 2/3 of your life. Now it's time to live a stage that lasts about 8 times as long. It's pretty scary if you ask me.

Special thanks to Christina and Michele.

the future, doesn't it scare you?

Best friends, son.

The future should be something that scares all of us. The only reason being that we have no knowledge of it. Sure we can plan things ahead, but what are the chances of your plans actually happening? You don't know. All you can do is hope nothing stands in your way. Sometimes, when the present feels so good, you tend to plan too much ahead. So ahead you can't really see it anymore. You become blind to the many possibilities that can get in your way. The only thing in your mind is that plan coming true. And when that plan fails, you really have no backup.

Another reason to be afraid is because you expect things to be some way forever, but then you open your eyes to the many possibilities that could interfere. That makes you afraid. One example I can think of is why some people are scared of having a best friend. COUGHCOUGH. It's just my thought, but I think the reason why some people don't want/can't have best friends is because they're afraid of the future. A best friend is someone you're really close to, someone you can entrust with everything that has to do with you. The thought of that relationship not lasting forever should be scary. Because you think of the thought that they might not be there forever, that prevents you from having a best friend. I think what you're just longing for is a best friend that lasts forever.

Another thing, about the word "forever," what does it really mean? Theres no such thing as forever. It's a word to describe as long as you can. Forever is an undefined time. How can something be forever if it's not aware? Even after you're dead, is it still forever? Ehh, I don't know. What happens after death? Meh.

Right now, it's really cold. I don't even want a jacket or extra thick pajamas. All I want is just someone in my arms.

it feels great.

I've been thinking a lot lately, due to the weather. Clouds frequent more and they're something I like watching. They're interesting, to me they look like peaceful wanderers that come in many shapes. I really want to watch some, but the problem is there aren't really any GOOD places to cloud watch. I've been craving to just lie down on a grassy hill and just look up. Using my imagination to create stories of whats above me or to just make those things we call clouds into funny little shapes or animals. Whatever it is, I'm down for it. But damn, Alameda really doesn't have that many hills where you can cloud watch. It's a shame isn't it? It's beauty left unnoticed.

Another thing I've been wanting to do is stargaze. I don't know why, but yeah. Those tiny little specks you see are just a gigantic connect the dot game. It also amazes me how that when we look up, you're actually looking into the past. I don't really get why but hey, it's something that's pretty damn cool. Though once again, I encounter the same problems. I'd really prefer an elevated space where I can just lie down and watch, like a roof or something. Also noting the fact that my parents probably wouldn't let me out that late to do it either. I wish there would be a day where everyone could just turn their lights off so we can see each star more clearly. But haha, these are goals I'll achieve someday.

The beach. I particularly don't like beaches, or maybe that's just Alameda beach. Holy crap it stinks down there dude. ANYWAY, back to the point. During the day, it's a place to cool off and just sunbathe. But when it reaches say.. 2am, it's a totally different thing. The night sky makes the water look like a really warm blanket that you just want to be under; the sounds of the waves crashing really help set the scene too. Just walking on the beach at that time makes you go into a genuine relaxed mood. Take my word for it. This is something I experienced in the summer, luckily. And I'm glad I had the chance to.

oh, october.

Oh October, you were good to me this year. I thought you were going to be a horribly cold month but it turns out I was wrong. You were pretty decent. I usually don't like it when the months that end in -ber come around because it gets so cold and we all know I can't stand the cold. October, you turned out to be a pretty good month. While everyone was getting sick, I was rampaging around on my happy feet and basically had a bubble around me. At least thats what it feels like right now.

Despite a few unsettling events early in the month and towards the end, I'm glad to say we're all pretty much fine now. I personally have no worries at all for the rest of '09; it'll feel like I set life on cruise control. I know this isn't gonna last forever, but I love staying carefree as long as I can. It's one of the things that keep me happy in my life. The ability to live life the way you want it, how you want it, and when you want it is what I aim for.

I'd like to end this lovely October on a good note and wish you all a happy Halloween. It'll be my first year going trick or treating as well. Yo soy animadooo.

secretssssss.

Secrets. We all have them and their effect on us can vary. There are those secrets that you just don't want anyone knowing, the ones that kill you inside, and the ones that are just plain personal. Either way, secrets are still there. When someone says that they don't have any secrets, I'd frown at them and strongly disagree. You just have to think for a while and you'll find your secret.

The worst secret of all to me is the one that absolutely kills you inside. I can't really give good examples, but I do have a good one in mind. Suppose you like someone and your relationship with them is at a pretty satisfactory level. You might want to tell that person, but at the same time you might not want to risk that comfortable level you're at with them. You're stuck in your own abyss of thoughts. But you know the longer you keep that in, the more it kills you. Sucks to be in that situation, doesn't it? Yeah.

But then there are those neutral secrets. That when you tell someone, you wouldn't really care. Those are my favorite kinds. It's fun to know things about people that others don't know about.

Secrets suck, secrets are awesome. It all depends on which kind.

think less.

Wow, THREE blogs in one night? I never woulda known I could do something like this. But due to recent events, an idea just comes into mind. Hear me out.

Overthinking. From my experience, it's a horrible thing. It makes you consider every possibility that can happen, though most of those possibilities you think of are mostly negative. In cases like these, less is more. It's nice to keep things nice and simple; the best thing that you probably do in that situation is let it be. You can think about it normally, but just don't overshoot it.

The most common place where I see a good example of someone overthinking is relationships. Believe or not girls, every little thing you do gets a guy thinking. Every gesture, every important thing you said, he'll probably be thinking about it when he goes to sleep that night. This might be the same for girls but hell, what do I know?

One way to rephrase it to a more widely used phrase, is to not make things more complicated than they should be. I mean, a lot of things come from that. When you finally stop overthinking and come to the realization of how it wasn't all that bad just makes you go "d'oh." But hey, I think it's one of those things that are inevitable. We're just human, right?

To wrap it up and to tell that one person: Don't overthink things. Just keep it simple.